Dec 3, 2009

Anxiety, why won't you break up with me?

For years I've dealt with high anxiety.
When I was 17, I had my first full-blown panic attack. I don't even know what brought it on. All I remember is sitting in the living room, watching TV and all of a sudden I felt weird. I got really quit, and then my brother was asking me what was wrong.
That's when I totally freaked out and couldn't breathe.
I called my mom (she was working night shifts) and told her I couldn't breathe, so she rushed home and I went to the ER.
After several hours of testing and not being able to find anything, the doctor ruled it a panic attack.

So, the doctor gave me some kind of medicine and I started to calm down. After several hours, we left the ER and I felt like a total douchebag.
So basically I freaked out for nothing.

I know it's not really "nothing" because it's something that is just triggered and our bodies just react to it, but I felt a little foolish.
That was the start of my regular panic attacks. I was getting them all the time. I think it was going on because I was so afraid of having another panic attack, that I would have a panic attack thinking about having one!

I went and saw a psychologist to try and figure out where all of this anxiety was coming from.
We did a lot of soul searching and tests and other stuff.
There are quite a few things that have happened to me in the past (that I'm not ready to talk about it you dear Bloggers, but maybe one day) and the doctor thought that somehow, it was unleashed into my subconscious and I'm now suffering from high anxiety.

I didn't want to be put on meds because I was afraid I would feel weird on them and not myself, so my doctor gave me some tips and tricks.
One of them was to wear a rubber band around my wrist and snap it anytime I felt anxious.
That actually worked for many years until a few years ago.

I think it all started again after getting into a car accident. I ended up rolling my car 3 times on the highway and it scared me to death!
After that, I was going into full on panic attacks on a regular basis. A lot of the time it happened while driving. Someone would cut into the lane too close to me, slam on their brakes, or ride my bumper and my heart would start racing and I would start to have a panic attack while driving.
It got so bad, i quit driving for almost a year!

When my family started getting sick with cancer and other disorders, I practically turned into a hypochondriac! Haha.
I would get some sort of symptom and my anxiety would come and I would have yet another panic attack.
I know...I'm lame.

Well for the past 6 months, I've been able to keep my anxiety under control enough to get out there and do things.
I'm back to driving to work all the time and stuff, but I had a set back yesterday at work.
While I was with a patient, I started feeling a panic attack coming on.
Carrie asked me if something was wrong, and I told her that I was going to have one, so she sent me off to walk it off.
I felt like crap all day after I came down from freaking out.

I just wish this would all leave me.
I hate anxiety.


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