Jul 30, 2010

They weren't kidding when they said it was hard!

I've heard the saying before about marriage.
It's a work in progress...always.
And it's hard!

I'm having a hard time right now and I'm in a rut.
Aaron and I have just been arguing a lot lately. And it's over stupid stuff. Mostly it's because everything that comes out of his mouth is total bitching.
Instead of saying, "Hey, will you change the trashbag in the bathroom?" He says, "Are you serious?? You need to change the trash bag in the bathroom. I'm the only one that does it around here!"
I just ignore him, but then he knows how to crawl under my skin.
I take the trash bag out of the bathroom and put a new one in. I'll go into the living room and sit on the couch and check my messages, read the mail, etc. and sure enough, 5 minutes later, he starts bitching about the trash bag in the bathroom. He makes some comment about how he had to ask me to change it and he never does anything and it's always full.

And the bitching doesn't stop there.
He says he always cleans up after me and my messes. I will give him that. He's the one that's home while I'm at work and has a chance to get it done. He can choose NOT to do it, but he doesn't want to wait until I get off work.
I'll cook dinner and start cleaning the kitchen and he'll come up behind me and say that I'm not wiping the counter right. ARE YOU SERIOUS????

He's treating me like I'm a child and it's really pissing me off.
I haven't sat down and had a conversation with my own husband in almost 3 weeks. Sure, we talk...when he wants a question answered or to bitch...but I haven't actually conversed with him.
It's sad.
I'm just afraid that he's going to start bitching about something that happened 2 days ago or if he's going to start to yell about something not getting done.
Who wants to talk to someone like that anyway??

I did mention in passing that the air show was Saturday and I'd like to go. I don't know why I said anything because anytime something happens in town and I want to see it, Aaron comes up with an excuse for why we can't go. Since we both have the day off, I figured we could hang out a little bit and maybe work things out. He said he would like to go, but here it is, 3:15am and he JUST went to bed. He told me to wake him up at 8:30am and he'll see how he feels. That means we aren't going.
Once again, something I wanna go out and do and it's not important enough for him.

I just feel so lonely and have no friends to talk to.
I'm glad I'm at least able to write it all out and get it off my chest.
Jul 28, 2010

The Bitch is back!

Aunt Flo has returned after being absent for 80 days.
Shes being the biggest BITCH right now.

I'm so sick and tired of being held hostage by my body!
Why couldn't I be like the majority and have a regular period each month and ovulate every month?
Why am I cursed with all of this??

I know I haven't been trying to conceive as long as a lot of other people, but almost 2 years and month after month of disappointment.
I don't know how much more I can take.

People say I should stop trying and "it will happen".
These people need to shut their pie holes…for real.
Its easier said than done.

I don't care if it worked for you. You weren't dealing with INFERTILITY!
You just decided you were ready to get knocked up.
So piss off.

Ok, I'm done ranting.
It's my bed time.
Jul 24, 2010

Saving lives isn't all that bad

Working at a hospital, I see how important certain things are.
Especially donating blood.

In the past 2 months, we've had a small plane crash a few miles away from the hospital, 2 shootings, and 18 car accidents.
What do all of these things have in common?
They all needed blood.

We got word that there was a shortage in blood due to all of these accidents.
Our local Blood Bank of Alaska held a blood drive at the hospital so all of the employees could donate.
I had never donated before, so I figured I would give it a try.

I'll admit, I was scared.
I was afraid I was going to have a panic attack from losing so much blood.
A pint looks like so much!!

I went in and filled out the medical questionnaire, had my pulse, blood pressure, and iron count taken.

They took me so these converted seats on the bus and got to lay back and so on juice while they tried to find a vein. I was impressed with the lady. She stuck me once and I didn't even feel it.

I ended up gushing, which they say is a good thing. It only took 4 minutes to fill the bag! I didn't even get sick or have a panic attack.

While I was sitting there, I did get to talk to the ladies and some doctors that were sitting there and found out that out of everyone eligible to donate blood, only 5% actually do. 5%…That's crazy!

Well I had a very positive experience donating my blood and will be a repeat donor.

What about you?
Has anyone donates blood before?
What were your experiences?

And if you haven't donated, what is stopping you?

Jul 22, 2010

I sink more into a depression

After having my dream about becoming pregnant and STILL not having my period…after 75 days…I decided to test.
I wasn't expecting much, but in the back of my head I had a little hope.

3 minutes later…

Jul 21, 2010

I just don't get it!

I might have mentioned before, but I can't remember. So I'll just mention it again…

About a month ago, we had a co-worker, who I will call Miss Priss. He was really out there!
Some other co-workers, along with myself thought Miss Priss might have been bipolar.
He would come into work really happy and tell us all about his "boys" and whatever he was racing about that day, then a few hours later, he would be stark raving mad!!

He thought it was okay to slack off because Darcy and I never yelled at him.
As a supervisor, I do not believe in screaming and yelling at an employee to get a point across. I simply stay calm and state what it is I need them to learn.
Maybe that makes me a bad supervisor, I'm not quite sure because he's the first I had a problem with.

Anyway, Miss Priss had been working at the hospital for about 3-4 months at this point and he STILL couldn't remember unit extensions which you need to know for our pagers when we are paged to a unit.
So being a nice person, I made him a cheat sheet.
On the sheet, I wrote down all of the extensions we needed to know, the unit the extension went to, and what floor the unit was on. I know!!! So nice.

Well we got paged to ICU…by the extension. I got up to go to the elevator and Miss Priss followed me asking me what unit that paged.
In a nice voice (because I was careful how I spoke to him) I asked him if he had his cheat sheet.
He looked at me with a weird face and tone and said, "Yeah, why?"
I simply stated that he needed to look at the sheet and learn these extensions because he's been here 3-4 months. And instead of asking what the unit was, look at the sheet.

We rode down in the elevator to ICU and punched in the code to get in. As soon as he walked in, in front of the WHOLE unit, he screamed…"OMG YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING BITCH!"

I called my boss after walking away from him and told him immediately what he said to me.
Well the office called him and he spoke to the human resources lady so disrespectfully, she started to cry and hung up on Miss Priss.

He walked around for a few hours thinking he was hot stuff because he could speak to his bosses disrespectfully.
Well the office called and told him to clock out immediately, that he was fired.

Well guess what?
I can't believe it.
I'm so incredibly pissed off that Miss Priss can get away with these actions an still have his job.

I'm going to my office first thing Friday morning when they open.
I will not sit back quietly and let this happen.

Am I over-reacting?
Jul 20, 2010


Last year I started watching the show Obsessed on A&E.
It's about people who have severe cases of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), anxiety disorders, and severe panic attacks.
After seeing the show, it got me thinking…thank goodness I can see other people like this because I know all about it!

I was diagnosed with OCD, high anxiety, AND panic attacks when I was 17 years old.
I still remember the episode that led to the diagnosis.

I was at home watching my younger siblings while my mother was working a 3rd shift job.
I was sitting in the living room watching TV when I got an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't shake the feeling.
I changed the channel and focused in something different, started crocheting (I was working on an afghan) and focusing on my breathing.
That's when I wasn't able to breathe. I started to freak out. I remember having a similar episode when I was younger, but I couldn't remember the outcome of it.
Seeing that I was freaking out and having a hard time breathing, my brother called my mom at work and she rushed home to take me to the ER.
After a bunch if tests, the doctors thought I had high anxiety. They asked my mom questions about my past and they figured because of the trauma, it was more likely that I was having anxiety attacks triggered by certain things.
They gave me some meds and told my mom to take me to a therapist.

A few weeks later, I started seeing a therapists.
That's when I found out that I was totally nuts. Ha!
I always thought my normal "rituals" were, well…normal.
Not so much.
I guess from a bunch if things I had to cope with when I was younger, I developed certain coping mechanisms.

• Obsessive counting. I counted and STILL count EVERYTHING!
I'll be sitting in the bathroom, I'll count the tiles on the floor.
I count the stairs as I go up and down them every day. Even the ones I climb everyday.
I count how many steps it takes me to get to the truck from the front door (27 steps).

• Numbers are my thing! I love even numbers. Odd numbers…I can do without. Unless of course its the number 25 or 15 because 25 goes into 100 4 times (even number) and 15 goes into 60 4 times (even number).

I know I'm weird.
But there's more!

• When vacuuming, there can't be any lines in the carpet left from the vacuum. It's hard to do! I'm able to do it though.
Aaron just laughs at me. I laugh at myself too.

• Repetition. I do certain things in 5 sets of 5. Which turns out to be 25 times, but that's a safe odd number because it goes into 100 4 times…which is an even number.
Told you I'm weird.
But I only check locks (all locks) and alarm clocks in 5 sets of 5. It makes me feel safe.

I've tried to change it.
To tell you the truth I used to be a lot worse.
Years of therapy have made it better.
I think I'll probably have these quirks the rest of my life.
I'm just glad I can still function in the real world!

Do you have any weird quirks you catch yourself doing?
Jul 19, 2010

Even my dreams taunt me

I woke up crying like I lost someone close to me.
My dream was so real, that when I realized I was awake, I just broke down and cried.

It started off as a normal day.
I was at home doing some housework on a day off and my mom was visiting.
(I still remember the smells of cleaning products in my dream. Smells!!!)

My mom asked me if Aaron and I were still trying to have a baby.
I laughed at her and said of course, but I was worried because it's been 73 days since I had a period.

She asked if I tested and I told her
I did 2 weeks ago, but it came out negative. She pulled a test out of her pocket and told me to take it now.
So I did.

Three minutes pass by and I look at the test. IT WAS POSITIVE!!
I was so happy. Everyone around me was so excited and happy for me except my mom.
I look at her and ask her why she isn't happy.
She says to me, "Nikke, you're never going to have children. Wake up, this is a dream!"

I woke up right then with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't able to go bak to sleep.

All the questions popped in my head.
• What if I'll never get pregnant?
• Will we be able to save for treatments?
• What if I'm unable to afford adoption?
• What if I'll never have a child?

These questions invade my head and I just can't get them out.
I hate my dreams!

The weekend needs to be longer

Can I get a "Amen!" people?
This weekend was full of sun and lots of work.

Friday started off with me going shopping with my MIL for a new bed for a spare room in her house.
She had a couch/bed in there, but wanted an actual bed so she would have somewhere comfy to sleep when her husband was snoring.
Her cousin's husband was supposed to move the heavy ass couch down to the basement and take the futon because they were in need of one. Fair deal.
They never showed!
We needed to get the bed into the house, so I called Hubs to help me move the couch. This sucker was HEAVY!
After much maneuvering and pinching of fingers, arms, and toes, we got the couch downstairs to the basement and the futon out in the garage.
The result?
A big fat bruise!

As I've mentioned on Twitter…Hubs didn't want to save for a new XBox, so he went around me and loaned the money from his mom.
Instead of us paying her back, she asked that "we" paint her deck and stairs.
Now, I love doing home improvement projects, but I would have much rather paid her back the $300.
It makes my life much more simple and pleasant.

We got there around 9am and started scrubbing the deck and scraping the rough spots.
Then we let it dry in the sub while we went to Lowe's and got the paint.
We got back and started the fun!

It was such a nice afternoon that I actually enjoyed painting. I was doing something that I like while being outside, soaking up some sun.

We finished around 6pm so we cleaned up and had a BBQ.
Once we were inside awhile and began eating, that's when I noticed it…

I was sunburnt!!
We finished dinner and packed up to go home, but stopping off at the store to get some aloe.

We got home and took our showers, only to be in agony because I had to scrub to get all of the paint off of me.
It felt so good to lay in bed afterwards

Sunday I woke up and it was raining so I did the only logical thing…laid on the couch and watched movies!
I watched:
• Fireproof
• The Time Traveler's Wife
• The Lovely Bones

I loved them all!

How was your weekend Blogarinos?

- Posted from my iPhone
Jul 16, 2010

My favorite day

This is the day I get to leave work early and not come back for 2 days.
I love it!

This week has been totally crappy.
We have some things that are changing at work that I'm ready to bitch about in another post.

But here's a small preview so you're not in too much suspense. Ha!

My boss is cutting everyone's hours.
We have so many car accident patients in ICU.
The higher ups in the hospital are lazy.
All the nurses think it's ok to sit on their asses when the patients need them.

That's not even the beginning!

But anywho, I plan on going shopping with my MIL after work today. She needs help buying a new bed. Then I'm not doing a single thing this weekend!

I deserve a weekend off from helping anyone.

Happy Friday Blogarinos!

What are your plans this weekend?
Jul 12, 2010

Big Bon Voyage

In a few hours, I will be saying goodbye to my brother for 3 months.
3 whole months of not talking to him because he will be down in Louisiana on a huge boat.
I've never gone that long without talking to my brother.
He's the only one around in my family that talks to me.

I know he has a great opportunity working with this company and making great money, but 3 months without talking to him is going to be hard.

I'm sad that I'm at work today instead of spending the last few hours with him before he leaves.
Jul 11, 2010


It's 1:12am and I'm laying in bed in my dark bedroom.
Aaron is sleeping next to me…snoring.
I'm crying softly so I don't wake him.
I'm so sad.
Jesus, please fill my heart with happiness.
Jul 9, 2010

God's canvas

I have a total



the vast


of the sky

P.S. These pictures were taken 3:32am. Love Alaskan summers!

P.P.S Sorry for the blurriness...pics taken with my iPhone while Aaron was driving.
Jul 8, 2010

My adventures in babysitting...

...a 29 year old man this weekend.

And before you ask any questions, he's in no way handicapped...mentally or physically.

If you're a follower from my old blog, I had made a post all about "Bob" and his antics.
This man can not be trusted with anything.
He is Aaron's cousin (who introduced us!) and he has a problem. Well, two problems.

He's addicted to drugs...and steals whatever he has to so he can get them.

In the past 5 months, he has:

  • Stolen Gramma and Poppy's van. Was gone for 2 days.

  • $50 from Gramma and Poppy

  • Two 46inch Visio flat screen televisions from his parents house while they were away in Texas.

  • A very cherished porcelain doll from his mother

  • A friend's vehicle, who's husband reported stolen after he left and didn't come back for many hours. He was later arrested and  spent a few weeks in jail...which was how long it took before the friend's husband dropped charges.

This doesn't include the almost $3,000 he has stolen from me!

Because of this, the family has pretty much disowned him. You can't take "Bob" out anywhere without him finding someone to give him money and then disappearing.

Well now, onto the babysitting!!

I woke up on Saturday to Bob's mom (Hubby's aunt) calling and saying she's going out of town for the night. She's locking the house and not allowing Bob to stay there. Before I could say anything, she was dropping Bob off on my front step.

Are you serious??

Sometimes, I'm too nice. I talked to hubs and because he's family, and we want to do what's right, we thought we would give him ONE MORE CHANCE.
Big effing mistake my dear blogarinos. Big Fat Effing Mistake!

Our friend Christine came over that night and wanted to hang out and celebrate the 4th a little early, so we went out to a bar down the street. Bob did really well while we were there, until it was time to come home.
Somehow, he got $30 out of Christine to pick something up, but decided he was going to take off instead.
He disappeared for 3 hours!
Didn't come knocking on my door until 4am.

Christine confronted him about wanting the cigarettes and alcohol he was supposed to pick up for her, but he looked at her all wide-eyed and said, "I'm working on it."

Are you serious????


He was tired of Bob using and abusing friends and family. He started bringing everything up, how he can't be trusted and he's a thief, and yadda yadda yadda. Things got heated. I mean so heated I had to step in because Aaron would have gotten physical.

After getting Aaron pulled away and calmed down, we went to bed.
Bob went to the guest room and Aaron stayed in our room.

The next day, we didn't see Bob for at all. He locked himself in my guest room because he didn't want to confront Aaron.
Aaron was still pretty pissed about the night before.
Finally at 10pm, Bob emerges from the guest room and he and Aaron had a talk.
Bob's mom called me and asked if everything was ok and I asked her when she was coming home. She told me she would be home early the NEXT morning, so I told her she needs to come get her son because he's not welcome in my home anymore after this weekend.

The next day I get up and go to work.
Bob's mom called me around 1:00pm and asked if he was still at my house and I said yes. She was kind of irritated because I told her she needs to pick him up now because I had plans with Aaron after work. No one in hell was I going to let him stay in my apartment...alone.
She said she would be there in a hour.

I get off work at 6:00pm and GUESS WHO IS STILL AT MY HOUSE!
You got it...BOB.
I called his mom and she said she was in Palmer, which is an hour away. She was supposed to be home already!!!!
I told her I was going to drop him off at the house and he could wait for her, but Bob mentioned he needed to go to the hospital because he hurt his back.
I was so fed up with him that I dropped him off at the hospital and left.
Called his mom and told her where he was and went on with my plans with Aaron and my brother.

I get a phone call later, but I didn't answer.

It's pretty bad when Bob is not welcome at the grandparents house, his aunt's house, his uncle's house, and now my house.

What would you do if you had a family member like that who you gave 4,568 chances to not screw you over?

Am I wrong or mean for not wanting him to be around my place?
Jul 5, 2010

Weekend Recap

Happy belated 4th of July everyone!

I got off work on Friday and ran some errands, paid my rent, bills, etc.
Then came home and cleaned house so I wouldn't have to do anything this weekend.
Then my tired ass went to bed at 9pm!!

Saturday morning, Aaron's cousin came over and we hung out having a few beers and talking about stuff while Aaron cooked some jambalaya. It was so good!! It was the first time he's attempted making something like that. I was very surprised. We're definitely going to have to make it a regular meal in my house.

Later on that night, our friend Christine invited us out to The Last Frontier which is a local po-dunk bar. It wasn't that packed, but we had good beer, good conversation, good games of pool, plus, I got pretty tipsy.

Round 1

Jello Shots

Round 2

Afterwards, we went back to my place and had a few more drinks and sat on our balcony until it started raining. We were up until 5am so we all slept in and slept off and on all day Sunday.

Sunday like I said was lazy. Seth woke up and made breakfast and afterwards we took a nap.
Hubs gets up from his nap and cooked dinner.
I got the lucky job of cleaning up, starting the dishwasher, and doing laundry.

I wanted to see fireworks, but it's not very exciting in Alaska during the summer since it doesn't get dark until 3am. I guess I'll have to wait until New Years...

How was everyone's holiday weekend??

Jul 2, 2010

I just want it all to go away!!!!!

  1. Stupidity at work

  2. All of the mean-spirited people at work

  3. Stupid people at work

  4. The rain [Enough already!]

  5. Bills

  6. Being tired all the time

  7. The lady who keeps visiting the complex next to me who rear-ends her car into the dumpster every time she backs out.

  8. The ice cream truck that comes every day at 6pm, 8pm, 10pm and midnight. Seriously?? 10pm and midnight?

  9. My old landlord that keeps calling me for something stupid.

  10. INFERTILITY!!! I'm more than 20 days late. Keep getting BFN!

What are some things in your life that you want to go away?
Jul 1, 2010

When I'm not happy, I...

  1. Grab my iPhone and put in some earphones and blast music. Usually something upbeat so I can get moving and eventually sing into my hairbrush in no time!

  2. Curl up on the couch with my zebra Snuggie and watch Cake Boss. I love him and his cakes!

  3. Sit on my balcony with a glass of iced tea and a good book.

  4. Get a hug from Aaron. He gives the best hugs.

  5. Take a nap and hope I wake up on the right side of the bed.

  6. Read some scripture.

  7. Call my sister and listen to my niece try and talk.

  8. Do laundry. For some reason I find it very therapeutic.

  9. Write. I always have a notebook near, or I pull out my iPhone and start making lists.

  10. Watching something funny. Once I start laughing, I'm good!

What are some things you do to make yourself feel better when you're having a not-so-happy moment?

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