Jul 19, 2010

Even my dreams taunt me

I woke up crying like I lost someone close to me.
My dream was so real, that when I realized I was awake, I just broke down and cried.

It started off as a normal day.
I was at home doing some housework on a day off and my mom was visiting.
(I still remember the smells of cleaning products in my dream. Smells!!!)

My mom asked me if Aaron and I were still trying to have a baby.
I laughed at her and said of course, but I was worried because it's been 73 days since I had a period.

She asked if I tested and I told her
I did 2 weeks ago, but it came out negative. She pulled a test out of her pocket and told me to take it now.
So I did.

Three minutes pass by and I look at the test. IT WAS POSITIVE!!
I was so happy. Everyone around me was so excited and happy for me except my mom.
I look at her and ask her why she isn't happy.
She says to me, "Nikke, you're never going to have children. Wake up, this is a dream!"

I woke up right then with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't able to go bak to sleep.

All the questions popped in my head.
• What if I'll never get pregnant?
• Will we be able to save for treatments?
• What if I'm unable to afford adoption?
• What if I'll never have a child?

These questions invade my head and I just can't get them out.
I hate my dreams!


Megan said...

Oh my gosh! Don't you HATE those dreams that are SO REAL?! Ugh! I'm so sorry! And believe me, I have those SAME questions. I wish I had answers for both of us!

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