Oct 31, 2010

30 Days of [Truth] Day Six

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to miscarry ever again.

Sunday Praise and Prayers

As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame."
Romans 10:11 (NIV)

Praise
  • My brother got the job! He doesn't start until November 15th, but he nailed the interview.
  • Carrie - Found out some good news at her doc's office regarding ovulating.
  • My workouts are still really hard, but getting easier day by day.
  • Our family got larger. We adopted an iguana the other day. I love them and hubs isn't allergic to them. Ha! He's a cutie.
Prayers
  • Trudy and her hubs need lots of prayer! He's currently in the hospital with some kidney issues and needs some healing. So stop off at her blog and send her some love and stick them in your prayers.
  • My company. They have their heads screwed on to their butts to realize how to run things. We now are down to 7 employees to run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They need to let Darcy and me do the hiring! We're the ones that know what goes on at the hospital.
  • I know it's not a good thing to do, but I sometimes get attached to patients that have been in the hospital for many months. We had one patient that was a total sweetheart. He loved seeing the team every day and his family appreciated us. Well he passed last night, so I'd like to say a prayer to his family in their time of need.
  • Sister - still dealing with her no-good boyfriend.
  • Hubs - Looking for a new job in a few months when he's eligible. He hates what he's doing, but sticks it out so we can pay our bills.
Remember, if you have a prayer request, feel free to contact me.
I hope everyone has a blessed Sunday and a fantastic week!
Oct 30, 2010

30 Days of [Truth] Day Five

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Like any infertile, I hope to become a mother in my lifetime.
I was BORN to be a mother...I just know it.
TTC has been the hardest obstacle in my life to date.
It's hard on me emotionally, physically, and really tears my heart every time I test.
I don't think my life will ever be complete until I can add the status "MOTHER" to my life.

Halloween is my favorite holiday!

My brother and I absolutely LOVE Halloween.
We love scaring people, love the costumes, and of course...THE CANDY!
Growing up, we used to count down the days until Halloween where we could dress up and parade around town and collect all the goodies.
As we grew older, the costumes got better and it was more fun.
I only have one picture of a Halloween night where we were going to go trick or treating. It's one of my favorite pictures.
 
Yes folks...I was Superwoman and my brother was Slimer from Ghostbusters.
That was his favorite movie of course.
My mother hand made that costume just for him because she couldn't find one in the stores.
She's awesome like that!
 I believe that year we raked in the most candy we ever have and stayed up all night watching scary movies. 

Oct 29, 2010

30 Days of [Truth] Day Four

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Ugh. I knew this challenge was going to be difficult, but I promised myself that I would stick through it and be completely honest with myself and on here.

I need to forgive my step-dad for being so mean and ugly towards me.
My childhood with him was NOT fun at all.
He physically and emotionally abused me...and my mother.
Nothing I did was ever good enough.
When he didn't like something I did, he beat the shit out of me.
I would go to school with black and blue eyes, bruises all over my body, busted lip, etc.

He passed away March 2003 and I still have not forgiven him.
Only time I will tell...

Oct 28, 2010

30 Days of [Truth] Day Three

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I really hate this prompt.
I've lived with this guilt for a really long time.
It all happened on October 13, 2008.
It was the day that I miscarried my daughter, Katelynn Rose-Michelle Brown.

I was almost 6 months pregnant and I was happy as a clam.
Hubs and I were awaiting her arrival since the day I found out!
We picked out the crib, clothes, the name, colors.
My mother-in-law was so happy because it was going to be her first grandchild.

During my pregnancy, I was pretty active.
I was helping my mother-in-law paint her spare room and doing small home repairs.
I knew my limits.
I knew what I could and could not do.
I blame myself because when it all happened, I thought maybe it was my fault because I was TOO active for a pregnant person.
Maybe I shouldn't have climbed that step stool and put in that screw, maybe I shouldn't have bent over and cleaned my kitchen, maybe, maybe, maybe.

When I found out that my placenta had failed and that's what caused the miscarriage, I blamed myself because I thought being too active caused it to fail.
I need to learn to forgive myself and move on.

How does someone do that though?

Oct 27, 2010

30 Days of [Truth] Day Two

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

Wow. After yesterday's post of something you HATE about yourself, it's hard to find something I LOVE about myself.
I've thought really long and hard, but I can't think of anything profound that I actually love about myself.

I guess I love the fact that I love to help other people.
If you've been a follower of my blog for awhile, you will notice that I spend all of my days at work helping people, and then on my days off, I help even more people.
Mainly family on my days off...well my hubby's family.

I may bitch a lot about never having a day off, but helping people is something that's in my nature.
It's hard to find people that actually help people anymore, so it makes me feel good that I can provide that one thing that's hard to find.

Oct 26, 2010

30 Days of [Truth] Day One

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Omigosh.
Where do I start with this one. I have a lot about myself that I hate.
I've been working really hard on trying to better myself.
Little by little I'm slowly doing a personal makeover.
Both physically and mentally. So for this, I'm going to make a list of EVERYTHING I hate about myself...and what I'm doing to change it within the next year.

  • The fact that I can't get pregnant easily enough. I'm tired of waiting and testing and temping and charting. It's all so very frustrating. [I'm working on this by trying to consistently charting and taking it to a doctor next month.]
  • I'm overweight. I've been struggling with my weight for YEARS. I think it has something to do with an event that psychologically damaged me when I was younger (I might go into that on another post). [I'm currently going to gym and slowly losing weight. I'm hoping to get to my goal weight by next summer.]
  • I hate the fact that I never finished school. [I'm thinking about taking some online courses]
  • I'm afraid to let my true feelings show. 
  • I'm shy.
  • I have a temper.
  • I'm such a procrastinator.

Oct 24, 2010

Sunday Praise and Prayer

Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

Yep, I'm bringing back the Sunday Praise & Prayer! I've missed doing it. Haven't you?
I have so many praises and so many prayers so I'm going to get right to it!

Praise
  • Brother has been called in for an interview
  • Celebrated another year's birthday with Gramma B. 
  • Co-worker N* had a healthy baby boy.
  • Co-worker D* had a healthy baby boy.
  • Co-worker J* announced her pregnancy
  • Grandfather FINALLY had prostate surgery
  • Celebrate the birth of my cousin's daughter
  • I got a promotion at work
  • Hubs' cousin finished school and graduated from his classes.


Prayer
  • Co-worker G* is not doing very well. She's very sick.
  • Friends D*, C*, and N* for their losses.
  • Carrie - She's going through fertility treatments and she had 1 follicle that was big and mature enough. 
  • I have an upcoming fertility appointment next month.
  • Brother - he needs a job!
  • Sister 1- having a hard time in her relationship. She's trying to break free, but finding it difficult. 
  • Sister 2 - I found out she's cheating on her boyfriend (who is a very nice gentleman). I pray she get her act together. 
  • Mother-in-law - having some health issues.
  • Grandfather - healing after prostate surgery.

Now onto this week's verse:
I've been thinking about this verse for quite some time.
I have strayed from Him and I know things have suffered because of it.
I'm just not on my ball game when I'm not putting everything to Him.
I've been talking about changes lately on my blog and I'm in for a total life change.
It needs to happen and it needs to happen NOW!

If you want to share anything or need some prayer, please don't hesitate to comment here or contact me at nikkebrown@live.com

Hope you all have a blessed Sunday and a great week ahead!

Oct 23, 2010

Six Word Saturday

Great birthday dinnner celebration for Gramma!

Yesterday was Gramma B's birthday and we spent the evening sitting at Sea Galley restaurant where she opened her gifts, visited with the entire Brown clan, and had great conversation with everyone.
I will admit that the food was pretty gross and everyone complained about the same thing.
I think she's coming around more and more with me.
She actually talked to me and told me about her trip to the salon. That's more words than she has said to me in the 5 years I've known Hubs. 
Have a happy Saturday Blogarinos!

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Weekly Rambles

It's been a few weeks from hell, but I'm still kicking.
This week I have:
  • Worked over a million 64 hours
  • Dealt with a bunch of crap from co-workers (example: people calling in, people coming in to work only to leave a few hours because they insist on making appointments on the days they work when they have 2-3 days off during the week, disappearing people, and the lovely people with attitudes that don't think they need to work)
  • Patients from HELL. 
  • Driving Miss Daisy Gramma around to run all of her errands. Instead of knocking everything out in 1 day, she insisted we break it up so all 2.5 days off I had were spent driving her around.
  • Trying to organize my trashy place of an apartment. I really need to organize and find a permanent home for everything.
  • I'm keeping up on my diet and exercise and I'm really proud of myself. I haven't weighed myself in a few days, but I have a total weight loss of 4 pounds in one week. Go me!
  • I've been having horrendous ovary pains on the left side. Just what I need right now.
Starting Monday I'm going to partake in the 30 days of truth blogging challenge. I'm hoping I can revamp my blog and find out exactly where I wanna go with it.
I'm kind of all over the place with it.
I'm happy about it, but I want more structure in my life.
I think I'm adding that to my New Year's non-Resolution list....

Hope everyone has a great weekend! I will be working 12-16 hour shifts the whole weekend.
What are your plans?
Hope it's something great! I need to live through all you lovely Blogarinos until I hit the lottery and can quit my job and do whatever I want!
Ha!

Oct 21, 2010

Wardrobe Malfunction


I've only had one wardrobe malfunction in my entire life and it was the MOST mortifying situation I had ever been in.

I was 17 years old and I was at my prom. I went with a bunch of friends and we were hanging out and having a great time.
It was time to pack it all up and go to the prom after party which was at our local YMCA, so my friends and I drove back to my place to change out of our dresses into jeans for the after party.
While we were changing, my friend Nicole and her boyfriend decided to they were going to smoke some pot. I was not thrilled by this at all, but we all packed up in the car and drove to the YMCA.

When we got inside of the YMCA, they had everything to do.
Games, food, small rides, etc. The one thing that everyone wanted to do was to go swimming, so we went to the locker room and changed into our suits.
By this time, Nicole was tripping. She was high as a kite and it wasn't fun. It was her first time smoking with her boyfriend and she was tripping. She thought going into the pool would help sober her up, so we jumped in.
After awhile, she wanted to get out of the pool, but couldn't figure out how to get out of the pool. It was funny, but annoying at the same time. So I got out of the pool and coaxed her to the ladder and I helped her out of the pool.
When I stepped back, I slipped on a puddle of water and then it happened.

I started to fall, but it happened in slow motion. I lost my footing and ended up doing the splits. It happened so slow, the whole Junior and Senior class was looking at me.
When I hit the floor everyone started laughing and pointing at me.
That's when I saw it...

My boobs had come out of my bathing suit.
There I was...crumpled on the floor in the swimming area, with my whole chest exposed.
All the guys took pictures and everyone was laughing.

I ran out of the swimming area and into the locker room. Got dressed and ran out of the YMCA.
I was MORTIFIED!
My friends followed me out and a couple of my guy friends snatched some cameras that were used to take my picture.
I felt a little better when I found out about it, but I just wanted to go home.

The following Monday when I went to school, my picture was hanging up all over the school.
I was mortified all over again.
Teachers and office assistants ran around the whole school tearing down the photos and suspended the boys that hung up the pictures.

Needless to say, I always check my clothes for any possible malfunctions.

This message brought to you by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. Check out her blog to see what everyone else is writing about.

Oct 20, 2010

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday


This was my first day on the elliptical. I did a mile on the under 16 minutes. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I haven't done a mile in under 16 minutes in 12+ years.
Oct 18, 2010

Getting a head start

I'm getting a head start on my New Year's Resolution.
Yes, I know, it's 3 months away, but guess what? I have a plan!

My plan is to trick my mind into thinking it's really not for a resolution because come on, 99% of us fail when we set a resolution.
My resolution for 2011 is to workout more and lose weight, and to quit smoking.
I started working out last week as well as quit smoking.
Hubs and Bro are in hell!!!!
Me working out and being sore on top of feening for nicotine! Ha!

In 3 days of working out, I have lost 4 pounds and I'm so happy! I've struggled with weight my whole life and I'm finally in a state of mind where I'm fed up and motivated.
I feel so much happier after working out. Like I'm finally accomplishing something for me!
I never do anything for myself.

I've been working out on the elliptical. It's by far my FAVORITE machine to work out on.
I do pre-programmed workouts where the resistance ranges from 1-8 automatically.
I love it because I burn a huge sweat. In my mind the sweater I am, the better workout I have.
I know I'm weird.
After the elliptical, I cool off with a 20 minute walk on the treadmill.
I plan on doing some light weights, but not until I get better on the elliptical and treadmill.

So my goal is to get to January with my weight loss goals and then the new resolution will be to maintain.
Wish me luck!

Oh and for you other people that work out, what are some good upbeat songs I can add to my playlist?
I'm running out of good songs to work out to.
It keeps me motivated!
Oct 16, 2010

Six Word Saturday

All my muscles
are on fire!

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for Six Word Saturday.
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Oct 14, 2010

Re-occuring nightmares

I'm recycling this post I posted awhile ago and using it for one of the prompts for Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.

As I've mentioned before, I usually have some weird dreams...when I decide I'm going to remember them.
For the past month now, I've been having 2 re-occurring dreams.
One can be read here.
The other one just haunts me after I wake up and throughout the day, and just chills me to the bone.

I'm in my apartment and I have some friends over.
I'm having a dinner party, and everyone is laughing and having a good time, glasses of wine sitting around and being sipped on by my friends.
It's really sunny outside and I open the sliding glass door to feel the sun on my face while I'm waiting for the timer to go off for the roast.

As soon as I open the door, the sky goes black and it's dark and cold.
I look around and everyone is lifeless, not talking, and the wine is gone.
I check the oven, but the food is not there. I ask everyone what is happening and they look at me and tell me to be quiet or "they" will hear us.
I ask them who "they" are, when someone comes crashing through the window with weapons. I can't exactly see what the weapons are, but I know they have them.

We all run to my room, but "they" are fast. One guy is in my room and laughing at us. Saying we aren't going to trick him.
I'm so delirious at this point and don't know what's going on. All I know is that I need to get everyone safe and I need to do it fast.
I notice I have a pair of scissors in my hands and I somehow break free from the group in my room and run down the hall into my living room and I jump on the couch.
One of the guys is really fast and meets me there. He jumps on me and is trying to kill me.
Somehow I get him flipped over and I'm behind him. I take my scissors and I stab him in the side, exactly like I know where to hit him so I puncture his lung.
Everyone with "them" see what happens and they all get scared and run off from where they came, leaving the guy I killed behind.

This is where I wake up and I'm crying. It feels so real and I'm scared out of my mind when I wake up.
Aaron usually has to tell me it's going to be ok, but what he doesn't know is, it's not ok in my mind.

I remember EVERY detail of the dream...down to the facial expression of the man who I kill in my dream.
I've never been able to remember faces in my dreams. I know who the person is, just by "knowing", but I've never seen a detail of the face.

What is wrong with me??

These dreams are scaring me so bad, I don't want to sleep at night.
Does anyone know of a place where I can maybe get my dreams interpreted or does anyone know how?
I'm open to anything.
Oct 13, 2010

Two years since I lost her




Two year ago today, I lost my beloved baby girl.

April 1, 2008, I found out that I was pregnant. Hubs (he was just a boyfriend then) and I were so excited.
We told everyone right away and began preparing for her arrival.
We named her Katelynn Rose-Michelle and she was the best thing that happened to us.

The pregnancy was pretty normal for the first couple of months.
I had the morning sickness, the sore back, the little flutters when she kicked.

Week 20 rolled around I went for an ultrasound and the ultrasound tech told us we were having a girl! We were so excited because we have a ton of boys on both sides of our family.
We rushed home and told everyone that we were having a girl and everyone was so excited.
After my doctor called me a week after my appointment and told me she'd like to see me in her office.
The next day Hubs and I went to the doctor and she explained to me that my placenta was very thin and that it could be dangerous.
She put me on some medication and sent me home. She told me that I was to take it easy and not do anything. Pretty much stay in bed.

Hubs and I were worried, so he wouldn't allow me to do anything.

By the time I was 26 weeks, I was having some cramping and small spotting when I would use the restroom.
One night during the weekend, I was cramping pretty bad.
I called my doctor and she told me to come in on Monday and she would do another ultrasound and see if everything was alright.

It was the longest weekend of my life. The cramping ended up stopping after a hour of me calling the doctor, but I still went to the appointment.

Monday morning I woke up early and got dressed. The cramping had started up again and I noticed that I was bleeding very heavily.
I started freaking out and rushed to my doctor's office.
When I get to the doctor's office, I got in right away and was laying down on the table when the doctor came in and started the examination.

She turned on the ultrasound machine and put it to my belly. I began to panic when I couldn't hear a heartbeat.
I looked at my doctor's face and then I looked again at the screen and I knew something was definitely wrong.

My doctor then looked at me and told me that she was sorry, but my placenta had ruptured during the weekend and my baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I broke down and don't remember much after that.
Next thing I knew, I was waking up and being asked who they should call to come pick me up.
Everything was really foggy still and told them to call my Hubs' mom.

15 minutes later, my Hubs' mom was at the hospital where my doctor's office was at and was asking questions.

I had lost my baby at 26 weeks.
Apparently she hadn't grown and was very small.
They rushed me to surgury and removed her from me.

I was no longer pregnant.

No more baby.

Dreams crushed.

Devastated because Hubs didn't know yet.

I was then taken home after getting dressed and signing some discharge papers and went straight to bed, dreading for when Hubs got home.
I cried and cried.
I was angry at how they managed everything and I couldn't do anything about it because it was too late.
Hubs got home and asked me how the doctor appointment went and asked why I was crying.
I told him.
We sat there and cried together while holding each other.
My Hubs' father came down and cried with us.
It was a horrible day and I'll never forget it.

Still two years later, I miss Katelynn terribly.
I still think about her every day and wonder what she would be like or like if I had her here with me.

So here's to remembering her.
Mommy and Daddy miss you terribly Katelynn.
Oct 12, 2010

Columbus Day

...is the dumbest "holiday" ever.
What a useless day and what a cheap way to get out of things being open.
The bank isn't open because some dude sailed to America and discovered Indians were already here?
Freakin' lame.
Oh well...
Maybe I'm bitter because I didn't have the day off or get holiday pay...
Oct 9, 2010

Six Word Saturday

I have a 2fer!

SICK AND TIRED OF THE DRAMA!

...at work.
I can't effing wait until Monday!

I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST MY VOICE!
...this cold is kicking my butt! It's not fun losing your voice when you have to work all weekend long.

This message brought to you by Cate at Show My Face.

I'm going insane!

...at work that is.
I don't know how much I can take of certain co-worker. Her attitude is just horrible!
I actually had to write her up today because she had the nerve to text my work cell phone and cuss me out.
Like I'm not going to save it and show our boss or something.
She's freakin' delusional.
Then she turns it on you like it's your fault.
She was saying stuff under her breath about me being bipolar and how much of a bitch I am.
She's just mad because I don't let her get away with anything.
She's been making her own schedule. She's scheduled for our 9am to 7pm shift, but she comes in around 815am and leaves around 640pm or whenever she feels like it. Sometimes she doesn't even come in until noon!
I've talked to my boss numerous times, but they won't fire her until we get a replacement. I'd much rather bust my ass at work and be short handed then have to deal with her attitude at work. I can almost guarantee that I'd be fired on the spot if I acted that way at work.
We'll see how the rest of the week goes.
I'm hoping by me writing her up and not taking her crap will make her quit on her own.
Oct 4, 2010

TGImyF!!!!

I have had the week from hell!!!!
Let me tell ya, some things are going to have to change at work, or I'm going to walk. This crap is getting ridiculous.

It started by my boss accepting another contract in the hospital that we don't have the staff for. Instead, he's shorting my department to fullfill another when he knew he didn't have the staff.
Now I'm stuck at work by myself, going on all the pages and dealing with heavy patients all on my own.
And to top things off, I'm sick!!!

There's also this punk guy that works on nights and he thinks he runs the shots. He refuses to do half the job he's supposed to do at night and it's getting old.
He's old enough to know what his job is and what needs to be done at night, and if he can't fullfill those duties...BYE!
I'm so tired and fed up with all of these people that think they can come to work, sit on their ass, and collect a paycheck while I'm busting my ass.

I can't wait to clock off at 7pm tonight.
Oct 2, 2010

The day I found out

It was the summer of 2000 (I was 17) and my mother had been having a lot of doctor appointments.
She was really secretive about them, not telling us where she was going or if we found out it was a doctor appointment, she would tell us that she just going in for a check-up.
I knew that was a lie. My mother is a horrible liar and she never just went in to see the doctor.
A few weeks had passed and I noticed she was staying out late and coming home drunk more often.
After a few months of that behavior, I finally snapped on her.
I was sitting on the floor helping my sister with her homework and she came in drunk...like usual.
I stood up and started yelling at her. Telling her she was being a horrible mom and that I was tired of sitting there day and night with my siblings. Making sure they got fed and helped them with their homework and put them to bed.
I said I was done and she could figure it out herself.
She started crying.
At first I thought she just had the drunk tears going on like she normally did, but then I noticed something different.
I asked her what was wrong and she told me to sit down.
That's when she blurted it out...

"I have breast cancer"

My heart sank into the pit of my stomach.
My mind started racing and I didn't know what to think.
This couldn't be happening to us.
Why her??
Was God punishing us for something?
Is she going to die?

I just remember going up to her and apologizing for being such a bitch.
I couldn't have felt more horrible in my whole entire life.
Here I was cursing her while she was out getting drunk and she was dealing with a horrible diagnosis.

Luckily the cancer was in one spot, and they successfully removed the tumor and she completed series of radiation treatments to make sure it was all gone.
Within 18 months she was told that she was cancer-free and we couldn't have been happier.

During this time, I really opened my eyes about my own health.
Mom already had a hysterectomy when she was 33 due to having endometriosis and I had been having my own reproductive problems.
I learned a lot about self breast exams...the correct way.
Making sure to do it every month and get checked regularly by a doctor.
Many women think just because they are young doesn't mean they won't get breast cancer.
They are wrong.
My mom thought she was one of them.
Oct 1, 2010

Guess what finally arrived!!!!



I can't wait to leave!
 

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